Walking in the rain

Today I went on my 4 mile walk.  I use this time to reflect (while listening to booty rump music, no less).  Anyway, I was thinking about God and life and how lonely things can be for us mortal humans who have to be mothers and wives and sisters and so on...

Out of nowhere I see a big oak tree with a small pink card stuck in a vine that was wrapped around it.  I got closer to it and in small white type were the words: I love you.  I stopped and excepted it in my heart.  I didn't quite feel all that alone anymore.  

Sure the card was probably a left over from Valentine's Day.  Sure, it was probably  put there by a tweenie just being silly.  But for that moment it was exactly what I needed to see....and hear.

Piss

All day long I smell piss.  I change piss, I wash piss, I piss, I flush piss, I wipe piss....it never ends.  My 5 year old still has accidents.  My 3 yr old is now potty training ....again.  And my 3 month old is...well as to be expected.  

I feel like I'm dealing with human excretions on a way too frequent basis.  I'm sort of over it.  I'm so tired of diapers- cloth and disposable.  The minute I get caught up on the pissed on clothes, I have to wash my pissed on diapers.  And then I'm just pissed off.

I have nothing brilliant to say.  No epiphanies for all of you witty minded folks that seem to have such a witty and intelligent view of life.  No, I can think of nothing cool to say.  I did not smell flowers today.  I did not appreciate the good weather.  I did not take time to slow down.  I did not thank God for the small things.  I just survived.  

That's all I got.  And yet I felt like writing about it.  ?

I'm a dork.

Sunday Best

I love Sundays. I love going to church. I love that my kids love going to church. I love that we don't have to get all dressed up for it. Though, Amelia always does. I was raised a heathen (HA!) so I'm inherently resistant to "stuffy, fakey, smiley" church settings. Thank God mine is not like that. Not to say because people are smiley that they are fake. But it seems like that sometimes... God is no different no matter where you go to church, but people are. And it's not their fault, I suppose. We're products of our environments. You do what you think is "right."

I came to know Christ when I was 18 years old. Right after high school graduation. And I got pretty serious about it all pretty quickly. I was so thankful for finding what I had been looking for for so long. Unconditional love, acceptance, truth, purpose. But the older I get, the more hard my heart gets. Sort of like believing in fairy tales. You begin to wonder if you're just making it all up. Especially when you don't "feel" anything. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not a confession of losing my religion. But I do feel a bit stumped. And truth is, I feel stumped in pretty much every area of my life.

I don't know if it has anything to do with turning 30 or what. But I'm just feeling so like reality has just punched me in the face. Marriage is not what I imagined it would be. But that realization hit us early on. We've had to work hard to communicate and learn to listen to each other and serve each other. And even now we still find ourselves at square one many, many times. And it becomes disheartening when you start adding together the prayers prayed, the books read, the counseling, the constant work. Why can't it ever just be easy?

And motherhood....Motherhood is harder than I thought, you WILL screw up your kids no matter how many books you read and prayers you pray. I'm finding the most important thing is saying your sorry to them. Love covers a multitude of sins....

I guess I'm just sort of venting. Don't get me wrong, there is joy in my day. But every now and then I hit a downward cycle where I have to sort of question things in order to know why I believe in them.

Merry Christmas!!

In mama's bed

Appropriate outfit

Christmas morning aftermath...

Amelia trying out her stocking stuffer accessories



Last night was my first night of any sort of "sleep." Shepherd slept in 2.5 hour stretches which is a BIG change for us. It's been 3 weeks since I've had real rest at night. Merry Christmas to Jen!

We got up, opened presents and just relaxed all day. I had already given the extended family a heads up that we were out for Christmas Day and traveling to grandparent's houses. We needed to be stress free and stay home. It was so nice to let the kids play with their gifts and just sit on the couch all day. :) My dad, stepmom and grandma stopped in to bring gifts and see everyone. That was nice and the kids were happy to see them. Then we settled in and Ed made us a spaghetti dinner.

This post sums it up for me.  I love this woman's blog. 

Thankfulness...

I've been bitching a lot lately.  I think it's time to refocus and realize how blessed I truly am.  So I'm following Jenny's lead and I'm going to list 13 things I'm thankful for.

1.  The health of my family. 

2.  The movements my son makes in my belly.  

3.  My husband who takes care of me and makes me laugh.

4.  The laughter of my children echoing (sometimes loudly) through the house.

5.  Hearing my daughter's sweet voice sing "Part of that World" from The Little Mermaid.

6.  Seeing my son realize his potential- even in the small things.

7.  The "night before christmas"- like excitement of waiting for a new child.

8.  My home.

9.  For my body and it's ability to take care of my baby in just the right way and give birth in it's own, perfect time.

10.  My dad who took my kids for the night which allowed Ed and I a date night and a morning to sleep in.

11.  The craziness of life.

12.  Mochas.

13.  Peace.

Learning to embrace my job as mother

I've always struggled with motherhood.  Not in the sense of loving my children and doing good things for them.  But more learning that I have an actual "job" to do with them.  I have to teach them, not just survive.  I'm molding little humans.  And I've always been so terrified of that job, that it's easier to back off and tell myself not to take it too seriously.  

There was a parent/teacher conference at school last week and I got some sobering news (which I already sort of knew) that Fischer is really struggling with focusing on work and completing tasks.  The teacher said we really needed to teach him tools so that this issue doesn't turn into something else (ADD, ADHD) down the road.  We also talked about wetting his pants still.  His teacher said she felt very strongly it was not a medical issue and instead a defiance issue.  I've always felt the same, but my pediatrician has always told me not to worry until he's 6.  I did a lot of research right of the bat and we started a strict routine at home.  Every day we do the same thing.  We do our normal school schedule, but then right when he gets home we do snack time, "project time," play time, then dinner, then bath, then bed.  "Project Time" is used to teach him focus skills, time management skills and self discipline.  I set up my entire dining room with stuff crafts and what not.  I feel like a homeschooler!  LOL We work on counting, using scissors and cutting out cool things from magazines (fine motor skills), we do collages, we do timed projects where he has to focus and get it done before the buzzer goes off.  And I have to say- I really like it!  Sometimes we'll spend 2 hours at the table just having fun. 

There is no guess about what's next.  He and Amelia both know what to expect.  

And guess what????  He's not had a pee accident in FIVE DAYS!  That's the longest he's ever gone and he's totally owning it himself.  We sat him down last week and told him he was 5 and it was time to listen to his body and learn to step away from toys or whatever when he felt the urge.  That he was disobeying when he didn't do that.  It clicked.  That and the new structure has really helped him.

I'm so proud of him.  He's such a sweet heart and it feels so empowering to help him improve.  And it bonds us.  

The other things we changed was no more than 30 mins TV a day, if that.  And absolutely no processed foods or sugar.  Freshest foods possible.  I cannot tell you the improvement that has made.  Ed and I have been doing the same thing.  It's really helped out household.  

I feel for the first time that I'm making a strong impression on my son.  That he's benefiting from me teaching him skills.  And I also realized if I could get beyond my selfishness and "survival mode" and actually engage with them- things are much easier.